


Cows block highway, "udderly ridiculous" says cop

by 796116311389



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Car Sex, Coming In Pants, Cows on the highway, Fantasizing, M/M, Married Couple, Masturbation, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Semi-Public Sex, Sex in a Car, Sex on the M5, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 21:13:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14702442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/796116311389/pseuds/796116311389
Summary: John's head whips toward Sherlock, his eyes wide in disbelief."I'm sorry, did you just offer to have sex with me on the M5 in the middle of the daywhile driving a car?"





	Cows block highway, "udderly ridiculous" says cop

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this. It's a bit silly.

"I bet I can get you off before traffic starts moving again."

John's head whips toward Sherlock, his eyes wide in disbelief.

"I'm sorry, did you just offer to have sex with me on the M5 in the middle of the day _while driving a car?"_

Sherlock doesn't even look at John. He continues to stare straight ahead despite the fact they're at a dead stop. "Yes, John. Why not?"

"Why not? Because it's- it's inappropriate and anyone could see us! That's why."

Sherlock smirks and then breaks out into a grin. "That doesn't bother you. In fact," Sherlock turns his head and gives John a heated, lascivious look, "it turns you on."

John's face flushes cherry red and he splutters, "It does not!"

Sherlock looks forward again. Just off in the distance he can make out some cows on the highway with cops and farmers pushing at their flanks. "Hmm, yes it does. Your face is flushed; your eyes are dilated; your breathing, elevated; and, most telling, your half hard in your jeans at just the suggestion of it."

"You don't know that's the reason I'm half hard. It could be because I'm stuck in a small car with you. Smelling all delicious and rugged, looking the way you do. For all you know I'm always half hard around you. Jeans hide a lot, you know." John runs a hand down his face and takes a deep breath. His face is still hot all the way to the tips of his ears.

Sherlock looks back at John with curiosity. "Are you?"

"Am I what?" John groans, covering his face with both hands now.

"Always half hard around me?"

John looks over at Sherlock with half-mock appalment, "That was seriously not the point of my sarcasm."

"No, I know, but...are you?"

John purses his lips and responds dryly, "Near enough."

Sherlock hums to himself contemplatively. "Should mention it more often. Missed opportunities and all that."

"What missed opportunities?"

"Mycroft's desk, Lestrade's desk, the yard in general really, the coffee shop you insist on going to every other Thursday. There's more. I can write you list when we get to Bampton."

"No, I'm good."

A silence descends upon the two of them and they watch another cow get herded off the highway by exasperated emergency personnel.

"So. Do you accept my challenge?" A beat. "You should."

"Challenge?" John answers distractedly watching a cow suddenly and simply sit in the middle of the M5.

"Getting you off before traffic moves. Keep up John, we are running against a clock here."

John tips his head back and groans in defeat. "Ok. _Fine._ But I'm adding a stipulation. You can't touch me. Everyone would know what we're doing in a second, which is probably how long I'd last too."

Sherlock claps his hands in excitement, "Deal. I won't need to touch you anyway, you'll take care of that part on your own soon enough.

"Now, tilt your seat back a bit, close your eyes, and undo your jeans. Relax. Take deep, slow breaths."

John does just that and leans back. He feels himself loosen up a bit. Apparently he was more tense than he realised.

"Just listen to the sound of my voice." Sherlock continued on soothingly.

John cracks an eye open and looks over to Sherlock. "Are you trying to put me to sleep or give me an orgasm?"

"Hush John. All in good time. Now close your eyes and lie back."

John closes his eyes and settles in, his breathing slowing. He could probably doze off like this.

"Ok, John. I want you to imagine we're at the inn in Bampton. It's early evening. It's quiet and there's a warm breeze coming in through the window. You're lying on the bed in just your pants, the red ones. You just want some sleep, but I have better plans. I quietly slip off my clothes until I'm only in my pants as well.

"Once I'm stripped, I slowly crawl onto the bed. I don't touch you, but you can feel the heat from my skin as I hover over you. I start giving you chaste kisses in innocuous places. Your calf. Your knee. Your left side just under the ribs. Your bicep. I kiss you all over, worshipping you, revering you."

John's breath hitches. He can see it, _feel_ it. Sherlock placing simple kisses all over his body. He can feel a heat building low in his abdomen and shivers down his spine. He's only focus is on the continuing flow of Sherlock's voice.

"Eventually I would reach your face and you would be straining for me to kiss your lips, but I would withhold myself from you. Kissing your eyes, your nose, your jaw, but not your lips. Not until-"

John whines. He can feel himself straining for the phantom touch of Sherlock's lips.

"-you're begging me to kiss you. Desperate for the feel of my lips on yours. The only point of contact between our two bodies. The only sound the wet slide of our lips as we hungrily kiss each other. I suck your lower lip in between mine, nip it, and then soothe it with my tongue."

John is panting quietly now. He can feel himself thickening in his pants; the constriction becoming more and more pronounced. He feels warm all over.

"From there I begin kissing down your jaw and neck. Ticklish kisses against your clavicle."

John flutters his fingers against his neck were he imagines he can feel Sherlock's kisses.

"I work my way down to your right nipple where I bite gently. I bring my hand up and twist the left one."

John pinches his right nipple and twists his left through his shirt and vest heightening the illusion behind his eyes. He lets out a soft moan at the feeling.

"I let go of your nipple and I slowly caress my hand down your torso before gently cupping you in your pants."

John's hand follows the phantom path of Sherlock's and cups himself in his pants.

"I squeeze once while moving my mouth up to yours and kissing you roughly. I want you to rut against my hand John until you come in your pants like a teenager. I want you sweating, breathless and undone. Can you hear in my voice what you're doing to me?"

John can. He can hear the breathless tone Sherlock's narration has taken. The small groans he's making when he takes a breath. "Yes, Sherlock. Oh my God, yes I can. When we finish with me I'm going to suck you off." John lets out a ragged breath at that thought. "I'm going to pin you down and it's going to be fast and intense. You won't have time to even shout it'll be so blindingly intense." John realises he's repeating himself, but he's starting to get stupidly aroused, so who can blame him?

" _John_." Sherlock moans raggedly.

John is thrusting up into his hand, _Sherlock's hand_ , fast and rough. He's leaking all over his pants and the friction is just this side of bearable. He's almost there.

"John, open your eyes."

John's eyes fly open and he remembers where he is, he's in the middle of the M5, headed southbound, not on a warm bed under Sherlock. He's completely exposed.

_Anyone could see him and know what he's doing._

Unable to stop the rising tide of pleasure from his hand, the thought tips him over the edge and he's coming in his pants. He screws his eyes shut and groans Sherlock's name.

He comes down slowly, panting hard, and eventually cracks his eyes open to look at Sherlock.

Sherlock is looking at him with his eyes half lidded and pupils blown wide, a blush high on his pale cheeks.

John gives him a cheeky grin. "Looks like you won your bet. Though on the downside we're still stuck in traffic."

Sherlock takes a deep breath and looks to where the cops and farmers have nearly finished herding the cows off the road. "That was significantly hotter than I was expecting John. You were gorgeous trapped in the fantasy I was spinning for you."

John laughs, "You are absolutely mad."

"Hm, yes. But you married me, so what does that say about you?"

John gives Sherlock a loopy grin, "Says that I love you, you mad bastard, and that we will be stopping at the next petrol station."

Sherlock looks at John questioningly, "We will? Why?"

"Because, firstly, I need to change my pants and, secondly, I'm going to give you a hand job, bring you right to the edge, and then you will drive us the rest of the way to Bampton while I describe what I'm going to do to you once we get to the inn."

Sherlock gives a shiver and adjusts himself in his trousers as the traffic around them starts to move.

John smirks, "After all, we wouldn't want to miss the opportunity."

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for not posting for a while. I was in a car accident last week and totalled my car (I'm okay.)
> 
> This is sort of like hair of the dog that bit you.


End file.
